A NETFLIX ORIGINAL SERIES
[woman] This is me.
Johanne.
Thirty years old. Single.
["Silent Night" playing]
It's the first Sunday in Advent
and the whole family is gathered for dinner at my mom and dad's.
Mom placed me at the end of the table next to my baby brother's twins.
Because in her reasoning,
I'm just so good with children.
What she really means is I'm stuck at the kiddie table
till I grow up and find a man.
And that right there is my problem.
Everything is going well in the other parts of my life,
but I can't help feeling left out when I'm with my family and friends.
Every one of their conversations revolve around boyfriends, children,
dates, sex, colic, orgasms, lactation and all that stuff.
And it forced me to ask myself...
like, down deep inside...
what is it that I really want?
Last week, my younger brother Morten offered to maybe bring someone from work
for me to borrow as my date for Christmas Eve dinner
so I wouldn't be the only single one at the table.
Yeah, he actually said that.
I hate to admit it, but for, like, ten seconds,
I kind of considered taking him up on it.
So, you might hardcore judge me for what I'm about to do,
but, well, I don't know you and as they say,
desperate times call for desperate measures.
I have a boyfriend, everyone.
Is that really true?
Seriously?
Yeah, we're totally together.
- Well, holy fuck! - Language!
- [laughter] - Well, that's great!
Here lies Johanne,
survived by her pride and her fake boyfriend.
You know what? Let's start back at the beginning.
The day this whole mess started,
December 1st.
[upbeat guitar music playing]
[laughter and chattering]
- Hi there! - [woman] Hello.
Can I get four of those green ones there?
Alright.
Oh, and six of the blue and six of these guys.
OK. Are you trying to qualify for a bulk discount?
Yeah.
How about buying a scratch card while you're at it?
You could get lucky and win something.
- Hmm? - What would I win? Like, more yarn?
[woman laughs] No...
Actually, first prize is a trip for two to the Grand Canary Islands
and second place is a stay at the Sætra Spa Hotel for two.
And last but not least we have...
these love gloves!
It's like a mitten,
except for it's got enough room for two hands,
so and your boyfriend can keep each other warm.
[upbeat guitar music continues]
- Hi. - Hi.
I'd like a pair of those Christmas pajamas from the window.
Oh, yeah! They're very popular.
Let me just...
Here you go. There.
Wait, but there's two in there.
I just want one for myself.
We can't do that, I'm afraid. They're sold in pairs or family packs.
OK, so there's no way to get a one-pack?
Sorry, but it looks like they don't sell them individually.
- No? - No.
- Then I'll take the pack of two. - Wonderful.
Hey, Johanne.
Sorry to bother you, but you need to help Henrik.
Mrs. Nergaard is back.
I've been on break for, like, two minutes!
I know, girl.
- So, who's the guy? - [Johanne] Huh?
Weren't you just chatting on Lovematch?
- No, I was just playing Tetris. - Well, that's depressing.
- You won't get a boyfriend playing Tetris. - [Johanne laughs]
[chattering]
[female patient coughing]
- Hi there. Thanks for coming. - [patient croaks] Hi.
- [Henrik] Can you take Tone downstairs... - Trine.
Trine Nergaard.
Trine... Trine. I'm so sorry. I'm awful with names.
- Ah. - Hi, Mrs. Nergaard.
- Couldn't stay away, could you? - Yeah, it's because I missed you.
Anyway, Johanne can you please take the lovely Trine here for a CT scan?
We need to check her lungs.
- She has COPD. - [Trine] Yeah, yeah.
As you know, there is no cure,
but we'll try to give you the best quality of life we can, I promise.
I don't give a shit about quality of life. Come on. I've got one foot in the grave!
Still, with your condition, you should probably stop smoking.
You want me to stop smoking? I am 85 years old. What are you, nuts?
[Henrik] Yeah.
- [Trine breathes raspily] - Henrik, a minute... Not done with you.
Did you have a chance to read her full chart?
- Yeah... - So, why do you want a CT scan?
The chart says in addition to COPD, she may have polychondritis...
Do you still want me to cover your shift on Monday?
- Yeah, yeah. Can you? - Sure, OK.
- Hi. - Hi.
- You look well. - Oh, thank you.
- See you at lunch later? - Yeah, probably.
Anyway, I know this patient well.
This is the tenth time she's been in,
so you should listen to her lungs because she might have Stridor,
and then do a bronchoscopy.
- [Trine coughs] - A CT scan will only make it worse.
- [Trine gasps for breath] - [Henrik] Alright, let's see...
- Sorry, this might be a little cold. - [Trine chuckles]
Do we really need to do this?
- [croaks] I'm already feeling better. - Can you cough for me?
[Trine coughing]
I don't need a broncho... whatever. I just need a cigarette.
Yeah, I'm on it.
[Trine coughing]
- Yeah? - [Trine gasps]
[Henrik] Yeah...
OK...
Would you mind administering the bronchoscopy?
Yeah.
Thanks, Johanne.
You're looking really well.
Thanks, Doc.
- Maybe I'll see you at lunch? - Yeah, probably.
[Trine] Hmm.
- You're smarter than him, right? - Yeah.
[Trine laughs]
But I've got to say, that's a good-looking man.
- Henrik? - Oh, please! He's hot.
So, why don't you tap that?
Sounds like you've already called dibs!
Hey, don't look at me. I like my men a bit younger.
[laughs] No way!
OK.
[Trine coughing]
[chattering]
Dude...
Do you think this guy's hot?
- [female doctor] Is that Lovematch? - Yeah.
It's slim pickings. You won't find anyone on there.
[head nurse] Listen up, everyone!
Let's all discuss the holiday shift coverage.
Inga?
Put your phone down, please, if you would?
Yeah, of course.
For starters, I need some brave volunteers to work on Christmas Eve. Hmm?
A show of hands how many of you are planning to celebrate
with your partners and children?
OK. Noted.
Can I get off like them, please?
One moment. Then you're free to speak.
- OK, go on. - I'm going home for the holidays.
Can you not schedule me?
Alright, fine.
- Johanne? - [Johanne] Hmm?
[head nurse] Afternoon and evening shifts on Christmas Eve?
OK.
[head nurse] Always a team player.
Thank you.
So much appreciation for you single guys.
Keeping the wheels turning while everyone else indulges in presents and sauerkraut,
surrounded by loved ones.
Is that it?
[chattering]
Well, it's just you and me.
At work, I mean. For, you know, Christmas Eve.
Just saying... There'll be...
One doctor is covering two of the wards. Me.
Yeah. Nice.
[chattering continues]
[laughter and chattering]
[Johanne] Hi!
- Hey, guys! - Hey!
- [friend 1] Hey! - [baby cooing]
You're eating beets. What are you, pregnant?
- Yeah. - [friend 1] Did she not tell you yet?
- She didn't. Are you serious? - [friend 2] Yep.
Oh, my God!
- Congratulations! - [friend 2] Thank you!
- Congratulations, Lars! - Oh, thanks.
Cool!
[laughter]
[Johanne] So, uh...
when will it be here?
We're only 11 weeks, so it's early.
But we're excited you're going to be a big sister, aren't we?
How about we go for a third, huh?
Why? We have two perfect children already.
Who doesn't want more perfection?
The feeling of a human being growing inside you is magical.
Yeah, but newborns are the worst.
- Tiny alarm clocks. - [friend 2] They are, but it's worth it.
You're so lucky you still get to sleep in every morning.
I've worked a lot of extra shifts lately, so I'm pretty tired, too.
Totally exhausted.
Looking after a child is a whole new type of tired.
- I thought tired was tired. - No way! [laughs]
It's a whole other world of tiredness when you wake up four times a night
with a baby demanding to be fed.
And the diapers! Oh, my God! That's reason enough not to have another one.
I definitely get my fair share of diapers at work, you know what I'm saying?
Still enjoying your job?
Ah, you know...
Oh, God!
- [friend 1] Huh? What? - It's Christian.
- Christian! - Oh, man!
- [friend 3] Hi! - Hi.
- [friend 3] Surprised to see you. - [Christian] Good to see you.
- How is everyone? - [friend 3] Can't complain.
- [friend 3] Nice to see you. - Yeah, it is.
[friend 3] How are things?
All going great, thank you.
As a matter of fact, we've just had one of these buggers.
- [friend 3] Congrats! - [Christian] Thanks a lot.
But, man, am I tired. Just exhausted!
- [friend 3] The first months are brutal. - Some are more built for it than others.
I can tell parenthood hasn't been kind to you.
[Christian chuckles]
You mind if I help myself to a piece?
- Yeah, go for it. - Great. I'm starving.
- How are things with... - Johanne?
- Never better! - There's this doctor she's been seeing.
- Yeah? - A model!
Yeah, he's a doctor and also models part-time.
Wow.
Wait, I didn't know that.
Hmm. Well, OK. Well, you guys give her my best.
- I'd better get going. Good to see you! - You too, man. Later! Bye.
Oh, God...
- So, it's two years since the break up? - Three.
Want a beet?
Not really.
- Wine? - Yeah, that.
Keep pouring.
To you!
Part-time model?
Oh, fuck.
[friend 1] We tried.
[melancholic music plays]
- Hello. - [Johanne's dad] Hey.
- You're having a ball with these lights. - [Johanne's dad] I am.
Yeah, they're... neat.
You don't think they're tacky?
You think? No, it will be fine.
Besides, I can't let the neighbors steal all the attention.
[Johanne] When did Mr. Reinertsen start doing lights?
That guy is not Reinertsen.
- Huh? - No, Reinertsen is gone.
Mrs. Reinertsen met someone else.
Jack Crawford. An American from Texas.
Man. Poor Mr. Reinertsen.
Yeah. He was blindsided.
- What's that? Roe deer? - Reindeer.
- No, that's a roe deer. - It says "reindeer" on the box.
Oh...
- Is everyone inside? - Yeah, go on in.
I'm coming right after I get these working.
[Johanne] OK.
- Hi! - Hey!
Hi. Good to see you. Here he comes with the tackle!
- [child roars playfully] - [Johanne laughs]
- [boy] Did you see how high I jumped? - Hi, sweetheart! So glad you made it.
- [boy] Again! - You look exhausted.
Yeah, well, it's not that bad.
- [boy] I want to do the tackle again! - We'll eat soon.
[boy] Auntie Johanne!
- But I want to! - Hi!
- Yes... Say hello to your auntie. - Hi. How are you doing?
- How are baby Mortens One and Two? - Fine. Not bad. Have you been good?
Absolutely. Never better.
- Hold on. Let me say hi first, OK? - [boy] I want to do it again!
- Hey there, pretty lady. - Long time no see. You're looking well.
I could say the same thing.
I hope I look that good after having twins.
- I thought you didn't want to be a mother. - Well, then, tell that to my ovaries.
- Any news, Johanne? - What?
Oh you know, is there a special someone?
Mom, don't!
No, no. I don't mean to nag, but you can't blame me for asking.
Can you go and fetch your father?
- Would you, dear? - Yeah.
[festive music playing]
- [Johanne] Hey, Dad, the food's ready. - One second.
[music stops]
[Johanne's mom] Tor!
Are you finished yet, Tor?
Tor!
[festive music restarts]
- [cheering] - Thank goodness.
Mission accomplished. Well done.
- [Morten] We're at dinner. - Thanks.
- Do you need utensils? - [Morten] No, I'm good, Mom.
- [Johanne's sister] It's good to see you. - No, Johanne.
I was thinking you could sit with the twins, if you don't mind.
I think it would be best since you're always so good with them.
[chattering]
- [Johanne's dad] Have some. - [Johanne's sister] Can you pour me a bit?
You guys are playing the same game now, huh?
When are you going to buy the tree, Mom?
I have to wait. It's a bit too early to buy one.
The needles will be everywhere. Man's true enemy.
- So, I take it you're done with spruces? - I'm thinking about getting a pine.
[Johanne's mom] Uh-uh.
No way!
No pine in my house ever again. Right, Morten?
Huh? Yeah, no, we definitely can't have that.
- [Johanne's mom] What do you two buy? - Silver fir, I think.
- That's a shedder. - No, I heard they're pretty good.
- The needles don't fall. - Absolutely not. It's great.
[laughter]
But if not now,
when are you going to buy it?
Usually around the 20th.
Will you be working?
I'll have to request time off.
- Christmas-tree shopping is tradition. - [Johanne's mom] Aw!
What about Christmas Eve?
I've... been scheduled Christmas Eve.
- Again? - You worked last year and the year before.
It sounds like you need to start prioritizing the family more, Johanne.
Hey, I'm not really stoked about working either, but...
the others have husbands and their families to be with,
so I've just...
got to take one for the team.
Or you could say no.
Or swap it.
[laughs] If only it were that simple.
This boss of yours - I think you should stand up to her.
It sounds like she's taking advantage of you.
She runs a tight ship.
Well, then, I guess you'll just have to get yourself a man.
You're not getting any younger.
[Johanne's mom chuckles]
[Johanne's mom sighs]
Speaking of men, how is Christian?
You were such a darn cute couple.
I was sure you two would end up together and get married.
Drop it, OK? It's been three years since he and I split up.
I saw on Facebook he got married recently and has a baby and the whole shebang.
- [Morten] Isn't that right? - Sure.
- [Johanne's mom] Wait, really? - [Johanne's sister] Yeah.
Oh, well. I guess it's good for him, then.
- He was such a wonderful man. So nice. - He was.
He always brought me a bouquet of flowers.
Johanne, I've got to say, you really let a good one go there.
It could be you posting your marriage on Facebook.
- That's enough. - [Johanne's mom] What?
Am I not allowed to say he was a lovely young man?
- Well, I'm not the one who... - You'll find a new boyfriend soon.
Maybe you could work a little less.
If you only hold space for your career, love won't have room to move in.
- Right, Morten? - Absolutely.
I just want you to find someone nice, so you're not all alone.
I never said I was lonely.
A colleague who works with me is single.
Oh, yeah?
[Johanne's sister] You might be a good match, actually.
He's allergic to the sun, though.
I think it's that... that thing when you can't be in the sun.
- Albino? - Albino, yeah.
Also, he's missing some fingers. Freak chainsaw accident as a kid.
Other than that, he's a total catch!
I have a boyfriend, everyone.
Shit!
- [Morten] Wow. - Is that really true?
- Seriously? - [Johanne] Yeah!
- I do. - Holy fuck!
- Language! - That's really great!
A doctor?
No... or he's...
- When will you bring him round to see us? - Well, it's still new.
- Bring him for Christmas. - Yes, do that!
- So you can take off for Christmas. - Mom, it doesn't work like that.
I couldn't just flake out on my...
So, it's settled, then. I'll set enough room for your plus-one.
Now, you go get that shift swapped. See, Johanne? Easy-peasy.
I...
Oh, I'm so happy, I could cry!
- [laughter] - [Johanne's mom] I can feel it.
This is going to be the best Christmas celebration this family has ever had!
Now, then, cheers, everyone!
- Cheers! - Cheers!
- [Johanne's sister] Cheers!
Alright...
[Johanne's mom] Wonderful.
[laughter]
You lied and made up a fake guy?
Yeah.
And promised to bring him home for Christmas so they could meet him.
- [laughs] Yeah, why? - Because I'm stupid.
I'm still lost as to why you'd lie about having a boyfriend.
[sighs] No idea. It was a shitty day.
And on top of that, they sat me at the far end of the table with the boys.
Only one thing to do now...
- And that is? - Tell them you're a big fat liar.
I can't.
- No? - No.
Then you've got find a guy.
- In 24 days? - 24 days with me helping.
Piece of cake!
- Mulled wine? - Yeah.
There's alcohol in it?
There is, but to round it out, there's a bit of orange juice,
salts, cloves
and balsamic vinegar.
We should forget about this whole thing.
I haven't been on the market since two-thousand-and-fuck-my-life.
- It's a Sahara down there. - You need to at least open up more.
Like, seriously!
You're going to have to open your heart and get over the damn fact
that your sad ass got dumped, like, four years ago.
- Three. - OK.
Open up.
Like, Lovematch - are you on it?
Yes, or kind of.
What's that mean?
I mean, I have a whole profile, but I don't really dust it off ever.
Well, I only have it in case a miracle occurs.
Yeah, but, magic isn't something that just happens.
You've got to be out there bringing the big-ass guns.
What are you talking about?
It means we need to cover our bases and get some results. Understand?
Thomas has got a speed-date thing tomorrow.
- "Bar" Thomas? - Yeah.
Speed dating is, like, so 2001, isn't it?
Well, it's analog, right? That's why it's so genius.
It's an analog way of, you know, of swiping.
They're in front of you, then...
[mimics air whooshing]
It's like online... but in real life.
It's perfect!
No way in hell.
DECEMBER 2ND
- I'm getting out of here. - No, no! Come on.
- Hello! - Hi.
Hey.
[Thomas and Johanna laugh]
- [Johanne's friend] Hey, stranger. - [Thomas] How long has it been?
I don't get out much, to be honest.
You're scared, like a hermi... crab thing.
Nice try, but it's hermit.
- Just so you know. - Tomato, tomato.
And I'm not so afraid of life!
So, anyway, how does this whole thing go?
Oh, well, it's super efficient.
You'll be seated at table ten - that one right over there.
OK, I'm nervous. I haven't been on, like, speed...
Wait, not speed. I've never been on speed.
- I mean speed dating. Don't laugh! - [friend] You'll be fine.
- You will. - [Thomas] I wouldn't worry.
You just have to sit there. The guys switch tables around you.
Three minutes per date. It will be cool.
- You'll crush it. - Yeah?
Here's a list for you of names, height, age...
It looks like a take-out menu for a Chinese restaurant.
You can choose exactly what you want in a dude!
It's fantastic!
See there? Education... Oh, this guy likes nature and coffee.
- This will be great. - Yeah.
- OK, good luck. Have fun, now. - Here I go.
- Later, nerds! - Alright.
We're starting in a couple minutes, OK? You've just got to sit and look pretty.
- Ready? - Yep.
Pen.
[Johanne] OK.
[Thomas] Table ten. Yeah.
- [Johanne] Ten. - Cool.
[chattering]
- [man inhales deeply] - [whistling]
[air whistling through man's nose]
Nicaragua.
[man slurps coffee]
I used to work as a coffee importer, actually.
[whistling]
- How cool. - [man] Mm-hmm.
[whistling]
Kind of like a barista?
No, no. A barista just makes coffee.
- I imported it. - Oh.
[whistling]
[chuckles]
- Aren't those from middle school? - I brought it from my parents'.
- Johanne? - Yeah, that would be me.
Then I'll put "yes" straight away.
- OK. - You look so much like Mama.
- Like, a cosmic coincidence! - Yeah.
Johannes and Johanne.
I mean...
So are people more interested in you when you bring that thing with you?
Select a color.
- Red. - So...
R-e-d.
- "Yes" is the answer. - Yes? Yes, what?
Yes, dates become more interested in me.
[Johanne laughs]
It says here you're 29?
That photo is from last year.
I've been through things since then
that make me look a little, shall we say, a bit on the weathered side.
- This last year only? - Last year, yeah.
OK.
What's your occupation?
I am a performance artist.
What's a typical day look like for you?
Today, I collected a guy from outside Oslo,
drove him to the woods and beat him.
I like churchyards.
I dig their atmosphere.
What we really should have done was pulled his teeth.
I'll go back tonight to do that.
You're just kidding, right? About the teeth?
I don't think he'd find it very funny.
Nope.
I like to light a candle on the grave of my brother.
Drunk driver.
Bam! End of story.
My business is doing quite well, like, unbelievably incredible,
for over a year.
Congrats! That's great.
- We're completely rolling in it. - You and I...
So, I bought a new condo since my income was massive.
It was a nice bonus.
[whistling]
You laugh all the time, don't you?
- No, not really, but... [laughs] - See. Like, right now.
- Well, there we are! - Now you hear it.
- Yes, I do. - A bit.
That's so funny!
- [Johanne] Oh, yeah? - Jeez, mind blown.
[Johanne] I don't mean to sound hung up on it, but how old are you really?
A human being's true age
is the sum of the timeless moments in one's life.
Have you seen the musical Cats before?
Have you seen West Side Story, Miss Saigon, Phantom, Lion King?
Have you had sex IRL before?
- What's that? - IRL. In real life.
- You mean, like, sex with a guy? - Uh-huh.
When it comes to size, how important is that?
Excuse me?
- Size? - To what are you referring?
Well...
Uh...
- You mean, your penis? - Uh-huh.
Let's put it another way, shall we?
I'm not a virgin. I give myself a lot of sex on the regular.
There's no point in women being obsessed with it.
It's a myth that, down there,
men are supposed to be packing these enormous meat schlongs,
where you just see it bulging out,
like you're carrying some lethal weapons, but it's just not true.
Most of the people I meet, I'm fucking, all the time,
but online.
I had sex with a dragon just the day before yesterday, so...
Oh, wow. That's not something you do every day.
No, you don't. But I do.
[Johanne] Oh.
Even those with micro penises
can go on to have mind-blowing sex lives like other men.
There's barely a difference.
Uh, when I think about it, I'd say I'm very experienced.
Like, boning, boning, boning, all the time.
But I haven't technically done it with a...
[stutters]
- A human being? - Yeah, yeah, basically.
- [air whistling through man's nose] - Is your injury work-related?
What are you talking about?
In your nose...
That whistling noise...
I'm whistling?
[air whistling through man's nose]
And then only after I started working for them,
I realized the bastards had tried to shorten four grand.
So, how about you? What's your job?
You've asked me that.
I'm a nurse at a hospital.
Awesome, so you're not freaked out by blood? Oh!
I like a woman who can handle blood.
Super pretty.
Nice. A nurse. Looks like my mama. Perfect!
I'm not actually into musicals, really.
It's a fantastic world of song and joy. You just have to open your heart.
Do you dare?
If you want to have sex in the game, I can make a profile for you.
Then we can bone a dragon or something.
So, find the one?
I don't know about that.
See you. I'll keep you posted.
- Please do. - [Johanne] Take care.
- Oh! Oh, shoot! Shoot! - [man grunts]
It's totally my fault. Sorry, sorry.
[man] I should have numbered the pages.
Look, it's alright. It's not exactly Shakespeare, you know?
So, what is it, then?
It's my master's thesis.
- But you made copies...? - Uh...
[Johanne] You didn't?
That's ballsy.
Well, the plan was to...
make duplicates using carbon copy paper.
But it turns out, they just don't carry that anywhere.
The ink for my machine needs to be specially ordered online.
Specialty ordered?
- Wait, do you mean...? - Yeah, I'm working on an old typewriter.
It's a Rover 1000.
[Johanne] OK...
[man] I know...
I'm pretty bad when it comes to modern technology.
It skeeves me out.
No, I feel you.
I'm like that myself.
It might sound weird,
but it feels like I'm giving something more meaningful to the world
when I write on an analog machine.
- [Johanne laughs] - What?
Oh, no. It's just...
This all makes me feel like I'm in a movie.
- Which one? - It's actually in theatres.
Would you want to go see it with me one of these days?
I would, yeah.
Yeah?
Is tomorrow fine?
- OK. - OK.
Good. Oh!